i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
