I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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