The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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