Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
