I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
