Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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