got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
