Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?