brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
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You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.