also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
