i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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