ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
