So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
