evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
