did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
