just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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