I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
