At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
