So gin and wine won't be happening again
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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