swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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