I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you had me at cake vodka
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
