who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
