Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
...so i touched it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
