No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
