You're so nebulous sometimes
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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