Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Say something about gay babies.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
