Kiss
Puke
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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