He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
