I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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