I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
