Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
