I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
