Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
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Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Never underestimate the power of titties
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