Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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