dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
