with your own penis?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
