my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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