You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
