That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
