oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
