Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
