When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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