drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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