the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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