dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
