then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
