Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
