Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Randomize
