not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
