EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
