I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
