And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
