Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This gyro tastes like lonliness
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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