now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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