Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...