sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!