Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
