and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
you never un-have a 4some
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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