Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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